People may not know initially why they get triggered and respond or act in ways that frustrates their partner.  Triggers are not always easily identifiable, particularly during the initial stages of counseling.   Something a partner says may trigger shame, feelings of incompetence and other states of insecurity in the other partner.  And let’s remember that people usually come to therapy in order to develop a capacity to talk about their feelings and learn to treat each other in ways that are respectful and less hurtful.  That shift in behavior takes time.

The best way to respond when your partner says, “I don’t know why I got so angry” is to give them some space to think.  While you may be frustrated at their lack of a ready response, your patience may help your partner begin to think more clearly about their actions and feel safe enough to respond authentically.  The least effective response is to accuse and badger your partner into a reply.  That type of scenario often encourages lying in order to quiet the demanding partner.

Giving each other space to think following a question during a tense episode in a relationship is a way to encourage honesty and empathy in a relationship.  Honesty and empathy builds emotional resilience and can ultimately replace an unhealthy dynamic with a more loving, compassionate one.

Does this sound like you?

• Shame and Blame is the Achilles heal for perfectionists. Shame (at not being the best) is painful. When we don’t accept our limitations, resentment often surfaces: self-blame or blaming others, such as a spouse, family member or parent helps us avoid feelings of vulnerability.  Welcoming our vulnerability is a pathway towards acceptance.

• Compensation:  needing to over-compensate for what we don’t do well, including spending extra time and effort in areas of our lives where we do excel; our belief is that we can only be redeemed if we pay a price for our limitations. While it is gratifying to experience a sense of competence and the appreciation that comes with it, it is downright burdensome when it becomes a form of penance.

• Avoidance: there may be a tendency to avoid a task or responsibility that makes us feel more vulnerable; while we may wish that a dreaded task would just ‘disappear’, it won’t. Sadly, avoidance of a task or responsibility can wind up being more distressing than the task itself with dire consequences when not addressed. This is a time when it is crucial to ask for support.

• Global Distortion: if our tendency is to berate ourselves for not being the best at absolutely everything, there is a danger at living a life of distortion that misrepresents who we are, including diminishing our gifts and talents. Like an infectious disease, distortion replaces reality. Phrases, such as, “I can never do anything right” or “I’ll never be good at anything” sadly becomes the mantra that has little basis in reality.

It’s best to know and acknowledge our limitations—accepting them with grace and compassion. When we treat ourselves with compassion and respect, we feel better: anxiety decreases and we are less prone to treat ourselves as ‘the enemy’. Instead of striving for perfection, it’s more satisfying to strive for self-acceptance.

Several weeks ago, I saw the wonderful documentary, We Were Here. Directed by David Weissman, the film chronicles the HIV/AIDS epidemic in San Francisco in the 80s when the gay community was experiencing the devastation of this yet-to-be named disease. Five interviewees told their compelling personal stories of how they were affected and transformed by the epidemic.

As one of the first HIV-test counselors in San Francisco, I hung on to their every word; it was like turning back the clock 26 years. I remembered all of the people I lost, including beloved colleagues and friends. It was relentless. I also recalled the satisfaction I felt that I was able to make a contribution during a very difficult and scary time.

The film also highlighted the courageous, gutsy response of the gay community. As a result of their efforts, support services were set-up almost immediately. The community educated themselves (and their doctors) about the replication of the HIV virus in order to understand which medications would be most effective in slowing the progress of the disease. The results were astonishing. Sustained community advocacy hastened the approval for new medical interventions that eventually changed the face of AIDS from a death sentence to a chronic, manageable disease.

As a therapist, it was  inspiring to be reminded that the HIV/AIDS community’s overwhelming grief and fear was able to co-exist with a terrific level of resilience.  Having a sense of purpose—something to wake up for everyday—is deeply empowering, no matter the obstacles.  And empowerment supports good mental health.

Getting involved with an issue or cause we feel passionate about changes our brains; it not only makes us feel better, it has the power to transform our lives. The five outstanding people interviewed in We Were Here, are a testament to that.

Reference:  “The Activism Cure” by Meredith Maran, June 2009
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu